Marriage in Islam
Allah(swt) created marriage as a beautiful union between two people. He(swt) brought us together so we can be a source of comfort and support for each other. AlhamdullilAllah, when we are in a healthy marriage, it’s one of the most beautiful gifts in life. However, when we are inside an “unhealthy” marriage, it can also be one of the biggest stressors and challenges of our lives.
The different pieces of the puzzle
Before I go further, I want to make clear that there are many, many reasons why a marriage can be healthy or unhealthy: each spouse’s temperament, their connection to Allah(swt), their ways of upbringing, family dynamics, their social environment, communication skills, their health, their occupation, their commitment to the marriage, and so much more! As you can see, it’s like a puzzle.
When all these different factors are in the positive, love, mercy and respect between the spouses increases. And when they are in the negative, the marriage feels dull, lonely, and stressful.
For the sake of this post and because this is such a big topic, I am ONLY looking at the effects on a marriage from a MINDSET perspective.
Mindset matters…
Unproductive ways of thinking around marriage can look like this:
“He doesn’t love me.”
“He never listens to me.”
“His friends are more important to him than I am.”
“Why do I have to do all the work in the house? He never helps out.”
“He comes home and brings his bad temper with him!”
“He never gives me time and attention and never talks to me.”
“He is not interested in how I am doing, he could care less.”
“He only uses me to run his house and take care of his kids.”
It works like a chain, sis!
Thoughts like these can (and will from time to time) enter your mind –> If you choose to entertain them, they become beliefs. –> When a belief is formed, it’ll affect your behavior, actions, and words. –> Your actions and behaviors are witnessed and experienced by your husband. –> He will draw his own conclusions and attach feelings to his conclusions. –> His thoughts and feelings will determine his actions, words, and behaviors. –> You are a witness to his actions, words, and behaviors and will confirm the statements above.
The chain is closed, you will both run around this same circle, one blaming the other in a never ending cycle.
Entertaining assumptions…
I fully understand, sis… that not all problems in marriages can be solved by just changing our mindset. But I do want to stress on the fact that SO many marriages can be saved by both the husband and the wife shifting their mindset. And since we are not in control of someone else’s behavior and only in control of our own actions and behaviors, we, as women, can do our part and leave the rest up to Allah(swt).
Every one of the statements shared above can be an assumption. When negative thoughts enter our mind and we choose to entertain them, meaning…
– thinking more and more about them
– saying statements to ourselves that confirm those thoughts
– and creating made-up stories and proof around the statements…
…we become completely consumed by the assumption and will turn that assumption into a belief.
Shaytan’s mission is to break up families. And the easiest way to break up families is to break up marriages.
Jabir reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Satan places his throne over the water and he sends out his troops. The closest to him in rank are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: I have done this and this. Satan says: You have done nothing. Another one says: I did not leave this man alone until I separated him from his wife. Satan embraces him and he says: You have done well.” (Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2813)
The way forward…
As hard as it is might be to bring this change, for the sake of bettering your mindset and for the sake of saving your marriage from the influences of Shaytan:
- Give excuses to the behaviors and actions you see from your husband. Remember, that JUST because something might seem a certain way to you, it might not be the reality.
- As a negative thought or assumption enters your mind, instead of entertaining it according to the formula above, STOP, pattern interrupt the thinking pattern, by saying: “No, thank you!” Say “a’udhu billahi minna-shaytaani rajeem.” Pick up the negative thought, throw it away, and start thinking of a good thing your husband has said or done. (Yes! Even if it’s something tiny.)
- Remember the chain I explained above? By simply changing one link in it, you could completely change the chain from one of negativity to one of positivity, connectedness, and respect.
This is how it can look…
Negative thought or assumption interrupted. –> Positive thoughts being entertained –> leading to different actions, behaviors, words, and body language on your side. –> Leading to your husband receiving them and interpreting them in a positive way. –> Leading to better thinking and behaving on his side.
Remember…
In all of this, be patient dear sis. Change takes time. On your side AND on his side.
I pray that Allah(swt) blesses all our marriages. I pray that He(swt) allows us to better ourselves for His sake and through that bring connectedness, joy, and blessing into our marriages. I pray that Allah(swt) accepts from me and you, our efforts as ibaada and makes our tests in this life easy and enters us into His gardens in the next life!
